Thursday he just cried all day, he just wanted me to hold him. He required constant care. Having two other children that needed me as well and a household to run....It was more than I could handle alone...(Samuel ate a stale bag of famous amos cookies for breakfast!) I had to call for help! Blessed by amazing family! My sister in law came to get the other two kids and Josh's grandma came and cleaned and my aunt went to the grocery for us. Wow...what a day. Still seizing every minute, but not as long or as severe. Poor guy was just worn out. It was nice to just cuddle him and rest with him. We both needed it. He seemed to be very "drugged".
Friday started off pretty good...still seizing, but he was able to get down on the floor and play! That was nice to see. He was also able to participate in school too. That was a good feeling. He is so far behind, I love to see him have fun with our school work! However this did not last long. He had a tonic-clonic lasting three minutes during his nap. That makes two of "the big ones" this week. YUCK!! After that it was all down hill. He was back to what he was like when we took him to the ER on wednesday night. He was able to fall asleep and we are hopeful that if he gets some good sleep that he will be better in the morning. He has slept well. I know cause I have been up all night watching him! Nights like this are so hard to sleep! Honestly all I want to do is cry.
Those of you who know me, know that my "hope meter" is usually very high. I have to be honest with you all, tonight after watching Eli seize back to back again tonight, It is low. I don't question God...I know this is ultimately going to glorify Him and He will do amazing things through this (and already has). It is just so hard to see my sweet little 4 year old suffer. He is such a joy in our lives..I miss him so much! I know that the Lord can heal him and He will! It is getting really hard to be patient. I guess that is where the Lord wants me. It is hard to be so helpless. The scriptures say that when we are the weakest He is the strongest in our lives. THis is where faith comes in to believing. I can't see that right now, but I will choose to believe it because that is the truth and God's word is alive and active. I have to make a choice every day to believe in His words. If that is what he says then that is what He means. There is joy behind the overflowing tears, because I have faith in a Savior Jesus Christ that is much bigger than epilepsy. I recently received a card from a dear friend and she reminded me of my own words. "We are here on this earth to bring glory to God and the go home to heaven. The stuff we deal with here is all just piddly-dunk!"
It brings it back to the point that we are here on earth for such a short time and eternity is....well eternity and that is what we live for. Don't get me wrong...I am NOT suicidal.....but I can't wait for the Lord's return! I can't wait for our heavenly home. Where no illness or pain is present.
Josh was very wise this evening. He said that we get so use to "fixing" everything it is really hard when we absolutely have no control! When ALL is in God's hands. Come to think of it shouldn't that be where we are all at....letting him have complete control ( submitting ). What does complete submission look like?? Have I really submitted this! I feel like I have submitted it to Him....but on the other hand, if there was a healing for Eli laying on the floor I would grab it and use it without hesitation. I don't think that I would stop and ask the Lord if that is what He wanted or if it was OK...I would grab it. Maybe I need to rethink that one! Sorry, I am just typing "out loud".
Please pray for us...and thank you for the continued prayers! Please pray for my ability to completely submit this! Please pray protection over our marriage, please pray for safety and a hedge of protection over Eli. Please pray for Kylie and Samuel....they are a little stressed! Ultimately, please pray for God's perfect will for our lives~healing or not.
This really helped today...thanks Cara!
Isaiah 26:3-4
| You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in You, all whose thoughts are fixed on You! | ||||
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Just a reminder of how cool God is.....And how alive is Holy Words are in His Word.( Be prepared for goosebumps!)
As I was overwhelmed with great sorrow last night I opened my Bible up and looked straight down thru the tears to Isaiah 9:1. (NASB)
It read......But there will be no more gloom for her who is anguish....but later on He shall make it glorious.
WOW!!! How awesome is that..I will choose to believe God's words.
The new living translation reads....Nevertheless, that time of darkness and despair will not go on forever.
I will choose to believe!!
Thank you Lord Jesus for being my ever-present help in times of trouble!!
I Love You Jesus!
